Loss
LossEverything, him, everything him. This blinding blue, a smiling child with India’s tangleblonde hair. Men mowing lawns and insects swarming regardless. I can’t understand how, why the world continues without him. At every pause, slow, Bret-esque planes coast east, as if they knew.Joined by a girl with whom I performed for years, to whom I never spoke, she asks me how I know him. I’m caught staring in absolute disbelief, and it spells the end. Drowning in white wine and his wide hazel eyes and told that this, this is the end.He is of his place, wholesome, beautiful and middle-class; I am of mine, frustrated, dirty, run down. I didn’t belong. The sickening jolt at the announcement of his imminent departure, blunt and accidental through a sleep-fuzzed haze, was right all along.Clashing bells a semitone apart, as if the earth suffered a seismic shift. Nothing will ever be the same. I hate this city, disingenuously seductive and more cruel each time. I wait for the pain to fade, but these minutes drag by like years.A child with James’s hair runs by. I have lost a whole world.
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose leaves
The way I feel today - 10 July 2004
Just seventeen - 17 March 2004
Roads to freedom - 25 February 2004
Confessions of a failed self-harmer - 25 February 2004
Manchester, united - 25 February 2004